Now that I am a parent I am learning how different my childhood was. Not in the geographical sense or socioeconomic sense. I grew up in south jersey in a typical middle class neighborhood. I mean in the presence sense. From a young age I remember coming home from school and just being alone. Alone to make my own snack, alone to play and then engage in homework. And it wasn’t because a parent wasn’t home. Almost always mom or dad would be there. But dad worked from home or was busy avoiding mom. And mom, well, she was closed off. Literally. She would hole herself in her room for days at a time and would only come out to make us some dinner or tell us to go to bed. Now as an adult I know it was due most likely to her mental illness issues but as a kid it was my normal. This behavior would roll into the weekends. I have a sister and I remember us just going to play in the basement with our toys for the entire weekend, left to entertain ourselves and later on, feed ourselves.
Weeks would go by where this behavior would go on. And then all of a sudden mom would resurface – full of life and energy and interest. My sister and I would lap up this attention like puppies. But then all of a sudden she would retreat, back to her room and the silence would envelope the house once again.
Mom never got a proper diagnosis. Over the years I theorized everything from Bi-Polar to Borderline Personality Disorder. She died two years ago so I will never know. And in the end it doesn’t matter. She was the only mom I had and knew. It was my reality.
But now? As a parent I see how crazy this behavior was and how different I am trying to be with my son. To not repeat the past. To make it different for him. I worry I will become her. And I know that is crazy. But this is me being honest. My fear to repeat the past haunts me at nights.
I remember one time mom opened up to us and admitted she moved when we were little to be closer to her parents because she realized she couldn’t do it. Be what we needed as a mom. And she was right. Our “Omi” became our mother. When my grandmother died I cried like I had lost my mother. The grief was so intense. It was not that way when my mom died.
For those of you out there that have had similar experiences know you are not alone. For SO long I thought what I went through was mine alone. But now that I am older I have met so many others that have experienced absent parents. Mental illness is the silent struggle in many families. So many people had no clue what was really going on behind our house walls. We looked like your average middle class family. We even had the dog and picket fence. But inside was silence punctuated with either violent outbursts or overzealous love. But those stories are for another day.
Repeat this affirmation daily – No One is you and that is your power. I am my own person, and I am blazing my own path.
Today I am flying to Salt Lake City, Utah for the first time to attend Young Living’s Convention. I will be with Young Living 2 years next month. I knew that the oils would be fun, but I truly didn’t know the full extent of how life changing they WOULD be and HAVE been!
There are no words that I could express just how grateful I am to the Lord for persisting in nudging my soul to purchase. I read and saw about Young Living oils FIVE TIMES over a span of FIVE MONTHS until I finally said YES, Yes, to better health and yes, to a better life! I want each of you to realize that I want that for you and your family. Where my family was 2 years ago, seems surreal to me. My mom had died unexpectedly. I had a chronically sick 6 month old baby that only slept 2-3 hours at a time and I was EXHAUSTED. My hormones and emotions were all over the place. I was barely hanging on. Seriously I look back at those first few weeks when I lost my mom and I honestly don’t know how I made it. But then a kit of oils arrived on my doorstep. I started diffusing and wearing them. I made rollerballs and creams. And I started to feel better! Still skeptical, I started reading into them and researching. Amazed at what I saw I decided I had to share. Adventure In Oils was born that day.
But you see, I didn’t start sharing Young Living with others with the mindset of doing this as a business. I simply shared something I was excited about. I joined Young Living for the sole purpose to support my family’s health. I was desperate as a mother, and willing to try anything, no matter how crazy it sounded. I took a leap of faith. Sometimes we must step out in faith and just move! So it was with this mindset that I started. Getting my oils paid for sounded nice but it was not my end game.
But now? Now I see the abundance and freedom that Young Living gives! Instead of having to use medicines with side effects I can try oils first. My now growing 3 year old has even started to ask for oils and it is part of our daily routine! And the business? Unlimited opportunity for those that want it. Whether it is just getting your oils paid for (which is where I am at currently) to making enough to retire now money, it is there if you want it.
So, why am I telling you all this? Because I know somewhere there is someone struggling. You have that thing that you are holding onto wondering if this is it. Maybe its money problems. Maybe you are facing some major health stuff for or your family and fear is trying to grip where you stare. Maybe you are kicking yourself for not fully embracing oils and even the business because you are still waiting for it all to be perfect.
Lean into this.
What is it for you? Where are you staring? Come jump in this intentional faith thing with me, whatever that looks like, I promise it will be the best ride ever!!
Prior to having Bryce this was one of the most depressing days of the year for me. I so badly wanted a child and it just wasn’t happening. I feel for all the women out there that hate Mother’s Day because I once was one of them. But now I am a mom. And I embrace Mother’s Day. Last year, for my first Mother’s Day, I was so tired from lack of sleep that I don’t really remember anything. Hopefully I showered? Maybe ate a hot meal? So this year Bryce made up for it by not only sleeping through the night, but sleeping for 14 hours straight, which is unheard of for him! So that was my Mother’s Day gift. It was wonderful and I have told him he can repeat that gift anytime he wants. Lol.
The day was not without grief though. It was my first Mother’s Day without a mom. It will be a year in July since she died. I miss her. Her death has been more complicated for me to handle this past year since we had such a strained relationship at the end. Her addiction and health issues made it that I did not have a healthy relationship with her. We would go weeks without talking. We lived states away from each other. So yesterday I mourned. I thought of mom and tried to remember the good times, before disease and addiction took over. I thought about what I would have said to her yesterday on the phone and how I would have told her how Bryce can now say thank you and I would have told her that he loves to jump in puddles and play with water hoses and sprinklers. That having him has turned on a light inside me that is helping to heal the darkness.
She loved him. When I told her I was pregnant she was so so happy for me. When he was born and she couldn’t come to visit me she broke down in tears on the phone. We both knew she would never be able to visit. That she would never be able to do the “mom” things one does for their daughter who has just given birth. I told her it was OK, that we would visit that fall or Christmas. It was the last time I had a real heart to heart conversation with her. We did go up at Christmas, which ended up being the last time I saw her before she died. I am so thankful she got to meet Bryce. She died 6 months later.
As I embark on this motherhood journey I hope to be the best mom I can for Bryce. That he will know how much I love him and how very much I want him to live his dreams. Even with all the issues I had with my mom, she equipped me with what I need to make it in this life which is grit and determination. It is because of her that I plow on and believe that I can actually do anything I want to.
Life is a balancing act that I feel most days I fall way short of attaining. Weekends were short before I had a kid. Now it is like I wake up Monday morning and wonder if I HAD a weekend. Between the endless errands and loads of laundry, the early wake up calls (our son is the perfect alarm clock – up by 6:00 AM everyday; and trying to make sure I can strike off as much from my do to list as possible yet still spend quality time with the family, I am exhausted by Monday morning. And now that Bryce is full on running around, this invariably happens every weekend:
And don’t forget meal time messes
Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mom and embrace the chaos most of the time. But I know I am not alone in my quest of trying to find balance in mommyhood.
Maybe I just need to do more of this with him.
In the meantime, I have been applying this essential oil like crazy and reminding myself that it will get easier. I hope. LOL