Two days ago I got acupuncture again. I had gone 3 years ago to see if it would help my infertility and crazy hormone issues. After 8 weeks of treatment I stopped going but got pregnant soon after. Coincidence? Maybe. But I had never felt so “balanced” emotionally and physically and I am sure that helped get me pregnant. And after 5 years of never getting that magic pregnancy line I sure wasn’t going to complain!
So when I developed Carpal Tunnel type pain during pregnancy and it still didn’t go away after birth and after trying wrist braces, exercises, rest, etc. I went to my acupuncture lady. One treatment and the pain went away and never came back. I so wish I would have seen her sooner instead of wasting so many months dealing with the pain.
Lately I feel like my hormones are all over the place again. My cycles are spacing apart. My skin is crazy. Ever since I gave birth I feel like I am one hormone away from losing it. That or it is the lack of sleep and the fact that the bottom of my purse is now a garbage dump of half eaten goldfish crackers. Either way I feel unsettled. Unbalanced.
So this week as I laid on a table with needles poking from every limb while trying to not think about that fact, I tried to meditate on why I am feeling so crazy lately. I remember feeling free and unstoppable. Youth does that to you. When you are 20 the responsibilities of adulthood feel so far away. I didn’t think past that weekend. That summer. And what summers they were….. But now? At 37 with all the responsibilities of job and home and never ending bills…..it is enough to just give in and say “this is it.”
And as a mom to a young toddler I feel like there are a lot of expectations that you are now supposed to be just a mom. Your dreams and ambitions go on the backburner. Your life is their life. Maybe it is my mom guilt that makes me perceive this but I am just trying to balance everything the best I can. Being a mom is harder than I thought it would be. You constantly feel like you are not doing enough yet feel pulled in every direction. And as much as part of me would love to stay home all day with him the reality is I also like having a “life” outside of being a mom. Of interacting with adults and knowing TV shows other than Bubble Guppies. I didn’t get a college degree just for the hell of it. But since I graduated – 15 years ago! – I have yet to find my way, my calling. These are the thoughts bouncing around my mind while I laid there.
I love this quote as it pretty much sums up what I need to do right now.
“Be Addicted to the Feeling of Having your Shit Together.”
Now if I could only figure out how. Maybe next week’s session will uncover that…..