Prior to having Bryce this was one of the most depressing days of the year for me. I so badly wanted a child and it just wasn’t happening. I feel for all the women out there that hate Mother’s Day because I once was one of them. But now I am a mom. And I embrace Mother’s Day. Last year, for my first Mother’s Day, I was so tired from lack of sleep that I don’t really remember anything. Hopefully I showered? Maybe ate a hot meal? So this year Bryce made up for it by not only sleeping through the night, but sleeping for 14 hours straight, which is unheard of for him! So that was my Mother’s Day gift. It was wonderful and I have told him he can repeat that gift anytime he wants. Lol.
The day was not without grief though. It was my first Mother’s Day without a mom. It will be a year in July since she died. I miss her. Her death has been more complicated for me to handle this past year since we had such a strained relationship at the end. Her addiction and health issues made it that I did not have a healthy relationship with her. We would go weeks without talking. We lived states away from each other. So yesterday I mourned. I thought of mom and tried to remember the good times, before disease and addiction took over. I thought about what I would have said to her yesterday on the phone and how I would have told her how Bryce can now say thank you and I would have told her that he loves to jump in puddles and play with water hoses and sprinklers. That having him has turned on a light inside me that is helping to heal the darkness.
She loved him. When I told her I was pregnant she was so so happy for me. When he was born and she couldn’t come to visit me she broke down in tears on the phone. We both knew she would never be able to visit. That she would never be able to do the “mom” things one does for their daughter who has just given birth. I told her it was OK, that we would visit that fall or Christmas. It was the last time I had a real heart to heart conversation with her. We did go up at Christmas, which ended up being the last time I saw her before she died. I am so thankful she got to meet Bryce. She died 6 months later.
As I embark on this motherhood journey I hope to be the best mom I can for Bryce. That he will know how much I love him and how very much I want him to live his dreams. Even with all the issues I had with my mom, she equipped me with what I need to make it in this life which is grit and determination. It is because of her that I plow on and believe that I can actually do anything I want to.
Thank you mom. I miss you so very much.